Life is exhausting! It is downright, sometimes, just painstaking to climb out of bed in the morning. The earlier I try to get to sleep, the worse it seems to get. I’m an episode of Scooby Doo where he is trying to run forward but is remaining in place. That’s me; stand still motion in a forward motion world.
So several things have come to fruition and not all of them positives. In fact, when I initially thought of writing this bit on Monday about giving bad news, I was handed some bad news. Word hit me that a good friend of mine took his own life Sunday afternoon while his wife and kids were at market. This is a very young man and amazing poet. In hindsight, his poetry sometimes left stepping stones into the torment he felt, but he masked it in pretty words. Sometimes blue simply means blue, and sometimes it really is a metaphor. Friends and family–and myself–wish we would have read between the lines. What if? I get tired of that question, it is the one that haunts the longest and burns the deepest, always leaving a crater in my soul.
What was my original blog supposed to encompass on Monday? Two things: bad reviews and self defeat. I’ll start with the first. Unfortunately, not all books we read for my website WritingApocalypse.com are top quality, and so we must write letters of rejection. Boy, do we hate that. Seriously, it tears at our gut, especially when people tell us this book will be life changing or is going to be the best we have ever seen. And it isn’t. How do you tell someone that without feeling some sense of sorrow. I hate getting bad reviews, but hate giving them more. It’s part of the job we tell ourselves. It’s part of writing. “Why can’t all books be good,” one reader stated. What is the answer to that? We wish they were. So comes the point where have to write a tactful letter and say goodbye to a book that will not make the website.
And what of self-defeat? I’ve hit the topic a time or two, as it seems to really be creeping around the soul a bit more lately. I love to write. I love to write. I love to write. At the same time, I love having free time to work in my yard, to workout, to hike, to walk, to sit and talk without remorse that I should be editing or writing, to enjoy reading a book for pleasure, and to enjoy my family. There is a story in my head, but it is difficult as I have no real map into this one, just bursts of colors like fireworks and hope that people will care to see the show. Couple that with the fact that it will inhibit how I can distribute the book, and I’m doing a total face-palm. Should I take a hiatus from writing to catch up on life? Or is writing my life? Between a full-time job, part-time job, kids, health, home and writing, something has to give. I’m at a crossroads, as I do not want to say goodbye to any of them, but only one is truly able to be put off.
Monday was a day of mourning on so many levels. I must say goodbye to a dear friend and with that I have no choice. The team must turn down a book for inclusion on the website, and that is just a fact of life . . . they aren’t all winners. Finally, do I also say hello to a goodbye of my own? I’ll sleep on it . . . perhaps jot down a chapter and see how easily it flows. Until then, I say goodbye to “How to Save a Life,” which is finally finished and still in the working title stages. At some time, I will find the time to finish editing. Sometime . . .
I hope you found your sunset Matt. RIP
Tania L Ramos, Author Hating Goodbyes