For a Minute, I Was Among the Stars

     Well, I’m still nervously ringing my fingers, waiting for that developmental editing to come through.  I was told 2-4 weeks and it has officially hit 2 weeks.  I am excited, nervous, and exhausted.  This is like waiting for a baby to be born; I can’t wait to see what my finished product looks like.  At the same time, with all my “small town,” hype and excitement, I’m hoping it doesn’t crash and burn.  Kind of like the build up to some movie you think is going to be awesome from the previews and talk then you go see and say, “it was overly built up.” Oh my goodness! I so don’t want that.  I’m told by family and close friends that I am being paranoid and to stop worrying.  But seriously … what if I dropped a large sum of money on something that is poop.  I put my family in a  financial bind, made the boyfriend work overtime and take a second job to support my hobby that turns out to be worse than cat vomit found in your favorite pair of strappy, Khardashian heels. Damn!

     I guess it is one thing to be a huge failure and have to traverse the walk of shame, but to have your family on the sidelines, watching that walk is worse than being pulled apart by hyenas.  Okay, so I will say this again, “I am my own worst enemy,” sometimes.  But I think that is because as humans we need to be praised every once in a while, and we need to feel like we have done something to make our families proud.  What happens when that goes terribly awry? I’m sure my family will stick by me…I mean they have tolerated a few other crazy ideas so why run now.  Plus, I have some juicy morsels on most of them, so it would be wise for them not to walk away (you know who you are).  Just kidding family.  Please don’t show up to my door with pitch forks.

     There are so many sayings, proverbs, and anecdotes out there about failure.  Only a true failure never tries.  The only way to fail is to never start.  You know, stuff like that.  My question? What if you did try? What if you wrote a book and nobody bought it? Sure, there’s the whole, “at least you tried.”  Sure.  Okay.  I tried.  And it was an epic loss.  It’s like showing up to a race and never hitting the finish line.  Or worse, like showing up for a math test and realizing you are standing in your underwear.  Ever have that one happen? It’s a recurring nightmare for me, but so much better than not selling one single book. 

     Yes, I know…I’m going against everything I ever wrote about having dreams and goals.  Well, not so much.  I’m really just letting others know what I am going through on a day by day basis.  There are days when  I am super stoked and excited and feel like  I can take on the publishing world.  And there are days where I sit in a corner, sucking my thumb, and biting my nails, hoping  I sell just ONE book.   Dear Lord, just one book! Okay, retraction.  I mean, if I am going to as the All Mighty for help I might as well go big, right? Dear Lord, one zillion books.  That’s all i’m asking for.  Just one zillion.  And I know that’s more than how many people are on the planet, but they need a hardcopy for home and work, plus one for the ereader and Ipad.  Thank you. Amen.

     Wow.  I feel much better.  I guess there is power in prayer.  My point, and yes I have one today, is that we all have ups and downs.  I am one giant emotional rollercoaster, but it only takes one small thing to change the mood.  For me, its my own brain.  Left alone to think for too long has never been a wise move…and can sometimes get expensive.  I tend to think more toward the negative, only because it is more attainable.  Thinking to the positive is sometimes like wishing on star…its a dream.  So, I for today, I won’t wish on a star … I will work toward the dream.  Because sometimes dreams are work.  And sometimes it takes work and not wishing.  And maybe my mom, brother, and boyfriend will be the only people to buy my book, but I tell you what: I’m a big shiny star to them.   BUt let me also say this: Sometimes it is great to have people there to lift you up on the downer days, but in the end, you should be your own best advocate and find joy in the little accomplishments. 

     I am proud of my accomplishments.  And love, love, love those tiny little lifts when I meet people and tell them I wrote a book and they say, “Oh my gosh.   I have never met a writer before.”  Of course, I tell them its not like i’m famous, or anything…but one man sitting at Starbucks said, “you’re still the most famous person I have ever met and I’m going home to read your book.  My wife will be so jealous.”  How simple.  How uplifting.   Thank you kind, older, World War II vet, with the big blue eyes and Colgate smile, who sat at Starbucks and listened to me talk like I was Spielberg or Patterson. At that moment, I was among the stars because of you.

     Push past the dark clouds people and go ahead and shoot for the moon. Remember…if you shoot for the moon and miss, you still land among the stars.

I tell ya…this blog is great therapy for me.  Now who do I send the check to?


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