If your going through hell

     I was finally able to send in for my loan, so I should receive funding today, which I should already be aware means trouble will follow.  I mean that has pretty much been the story line of my life this year; everytime I see the light at the end of the tunnel, turns out it was the headlight on a train careening at me at full locomotive speed.  Sigh.  Well, this minor setback isn’t as bad as a locomotice impaling my body.  I called my editor and turns he started vacation today and won’t be back until the 29th.  This mean my book is on a one week hold.

     I am takin this news in stride, because I firmly believe everything has a time and place.  I have learned so much this year: keep the faith, hold family close, and when life hands you lemons make lemonade and then learn how to sell it for $5 a cup (my son’s senior year quote)…I think The Donald would appreciate that one.  This has been a year of up’s and downs and they still aren’t over for me.  This Christmas I will spend it in my home with my daughter, while my other children and mom go to Los Angeles to spend it with my other family.  I’m firmly thinking of starting a blog of what that ordeal is about so others in my situation can have someone to talk to.  But, needless to say, my daughter and I will have Chrsitmas dinner at John’s Incredible Pizza.  On Christmas day we will go visit my grandmother and wait until ten pm to make the child exchange with er dad.  Then do it all again for New Year’s eve.  John’s pizza will make some money off of us in the next two weeks.

     My point, because I think I have one, is this: If your going through hell, keep on moving (courtesy of Rodney Atkins). I can’t quote more than that due to copyright infringements that I do not wish to contend with.  But look up the song and that is my mantra for the year.  It is so true.  You can keep moving and get passed the bad things, or slow down, wallow in misery and be stuck there indefinitely.  I have seen people do the latter and it’s not a pretty sight.  Keep moving people. Run. Sprint. Dash!!! Go forward. Do not become stagnant in life, even when you want to drop to the ground, curl up and go fetal…it doesn’t get you anywhere but crooked and cramped.  I’m speaking from experience.  I honestly feel after my horrible year that I can be a motivational speaker, BUT, I’ve chosen to write.  It’s so much more artsy, don’t you think?

     You know many famous artists have their blue periods or dark years? I think in a few years when I reread my novels I may just say, “that was my blue year.” Not that they are all dark, morbid, and bleak.  I find the down side, or what people feel as a “blue” moment, and try to bring some light to it.  Like I said, it’s my own therapy. Hmmm, I think I lost my train of thought and veered of course.  Oh yeah, everything has a purpose.  So this year I could have fallen into a deep horrible depression ( i had every right to), but instead, I chose to spend my hours writing and fulfilling a dream.  My youngest son was very surprised when in my first book, “When I Thought I Was Tough,” had a dedication to  him, which said (and I’m paraphrasing), without all your drama I would have never had the chance to write this book.  You see, I took a bad thing and made it good, then ran with it.  I’m still running through hell, and even though the bad things sometimes manage to get a quick hold of me, I do my best evasion maneuver and keep on running. 

     So I’m taking this one week break from the, “BeStill,” book, and continuing on my next book which I think I will title, “A man who didn’t have to be.”  I tend to get titles and sometimes ideas, from music, so this would be from a Brad Paisley song called, “He Didn’t Have to be.” It is an awesome video and runs along my storyline, but I didn’t take the story from this song.  In fact, two days ago was the first time I had heard it, which is unheard of because I am a huge Brad Paisley fan (he’s my one cheat day: if I ever had the chance to cheat on my boyfriend, he has approved that it can be with Brad Paisley…I gave my boyfriend a day with Drew Barrymore).  So,  I was listening to my Sirius satellite radio and heard this song play, and after wiping away the tears, knew this was my title.  I know, I skewed the title, because I don’t want to infringe on rights, nor do I want to take away from Mr. Paisley’s wonderful song.  I hope my book will bring as much emotion as the music video does.

     To sum it all, don’t dawdle in self pity.  You get nowhere but deeper in self-pity.  Make that dash and jump those hurdles because only you can get yourself out of that place.  Okay, now here is my disclaimer: I fully believe that depression is a disease that may be caused by a hormonal imblanace that may occur by no effort of our own.  Sometimes fighting our own body is the hell we must struggle to go through, so I say: if you are so bad off and so deep into your own sadness, it is okay to seek professionl help.  We all need someone to talk to sometime, and sometimes a simple littl pill can put the out-of-whacks back in whack.  BUT, if this is a case of having a bad hair day, embrace your bad hair and make it a fashion statement.  If it’s a bad year, like mine, which started with being serve divorce papers on New Year’s day, to thatI say: hug your kids, hug your wife/husband, call a friend, write a book, work in your garden, paint, teach the dog to fetch the newspaper, or teach the cat to smile and not have multiple personalities…do something! Keep moving.  Pursue your dreams (it’s your right).  Sometimes you just wanna go where everybody knows your name…trust me…somebody is this gigantc world has been through it and you are not alone.  My offer still holds, you can vent to me, or tell me your accomplishments, and I’ll listen…until i’m some big wig, snob, accomplished, world renowned author with a Pulitzer Prize…get me while you can (insert sarcasm and rolly eyes).  😉  

     Wow, where did that stupid soapbox come from? Haha.  Okay, I’m going to go write the back storyline of Benjamin Bennet, my hero in the new book.


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